in the world of make believe

love comes in many forms. we love our parents, our family members, our friends, maybe even our coworkers. we love all these people in a similar way though we might love some more than others. then we also love our “partner.” this love is different than the other love. though there are similar characteristics, there is a different strength. it’s interesting to think you have found the person you want to give your entire life too and live happily together. this usually forms a deeper bond or form of love. how many people can you love in this way? first in a life time. how many times does one find “the one?” that’s not the question i’m trying to answer though. how many people can you love as “partners” at the same time? can you love two people at once? i don’t mean sexual attraction because we all know we can be sexually attracted to many people at the same time. if we do love two people at once, who do we choose? do we choose neither? many people say to choose the “second person you loved because you wouldn’t have loved them if you loved the first.” this is bullshit. you can easily feel something strong for two people simultaneously and not know what to do with yourself. it might not be love, but it’s something strong. also if you love someone and know you want to be with them for the rest of your life, can you still be sexually attracted to someone else? does that cancel out your love for the first? who answers these questions? how does one put their thoughts together? is this something we will ever know? is there a right way to decide?

Asprouli aka Mr. White

was a canary which showed lots of might.

I remember when he was born-

When I first saw him my heart was torn.

He didn’t seem like he would have made it past the first month.

My parents couldn’t look at him.

They wanted to leave him outdoors, to get rid of him.

I believed in Asprouli and thought he would survive.

He was so small but he made me feel alive.

His feathers fluttered all the time.

He was always by my side.

He would look at me from his cage.

His eyes would follow where we were sitting.

He didnt like to be alone.

He would sit on his swing for hours and swing back and forth.

Mr. White was still a child.

He was only three years old.

Out of all my canaries he was the one that always wanted to play.

The one that would devour all his lettuce.

I would have to wipe his beak. It was always so green after lettuce.

I miss his voice already. I wont wake up to a chirping loving sound.

Mr. White had manners. He would chirp when we gave him a treat- as an act of thanks.

He was my baby. I called myself his mom. I want to hold him in my hands, to pet him…

I want to look into his beady eyes.

I always wanted to squeeze him tight.

Now I am left with an empty cage.

A cage that was once his home.

A cage that still has the water he just drank…

and his last bite.

I search to find perhaps a feather left from his small helpless body…

but nothing is in sight.

I remember the holidays. Mr. White would have a Santa hat that fit his head perfectly.

We would take holiday pictures together.

Mr. White was always there for me without having to do anything at all.

Many underestimate the love one can have for a bird- they only assume people can feel love for cats and dogs. Not many can understand that one can form an emotional bond with a bird and although Mr. White would try to fly away from me everytime I would try to hold him, I know that deep down he loved me too.

RIP MR.WHITE/ASPROULI.

I love you

He’s the “love of my life,” is a phrase we hear often and it’s hard not to question what one really means by that. What does being the “love of one’s life” consist of? Who determines if we have a “love of our life” and lastly what happens if we are desperately holding on to a potentially failing relationship just because we believe they are the “love of our lives.” Humankind needs to learn to isolate the fear from their relationships. We have placed such an emphasis on finding the “one” or our “soulmate,” and I think this is problematic because once we meet someone who might fit those credentials we get stuck. Since we think that in the long run this person will provide us with eternal happiness, we might let a lot of things slide. We might be afraid to speak up, or even worse to break up because we might think that we will never love again. No one wants to take a chance that might leave them with never finding love again. It’s something we all fear. So what’s there to be done?

I search for the answers to my problems in my tears.

What do you do when you feel that no matter what you say and how you express a certain thought no one will understand you?

And actually forget just anyone—- what do you do when your supposed other half just refuses to understand some of your emotions?

They are the ones that you are naturally inclined to turning to, upon encountering any difficulty. They are the ones that you can open up to and feel more comfortable talking to about anything. They are also the ones who will break you.

Well fine, they only break you when it has to do with problems that they are involved in.

Every time I argue with my boyfriend, I am positive that all my points are firm and accurate. I run them by a selected few that also agree with me, and I feel stronger than ever- prepared. Suddenly, I am left fighting a lost battle. According to my boyfriend, I am always fighting alone and for no reason. I never have a reason to be upset—- and he is never mad during what I always consider a “brutal fight.”

Am I losing my mind?

Do I pick fights where they don’t exist with false support from friends that don’t genuinely care about my well being?

Is he just good at manipulating me?

He knows he has the upper hand in this relationship. Or well he is good at making it seem as if he has the upper hand.

He is horrible with words.

This is a fact—he agrees.

This makes it difficult to accurately communicate considering he is overseas.

Sometimes I feel I am the only one feeling things.

He believes his actions speak stronger than the words he never says.

I long for the words that will make me feel that we are in this together.

Do I just accept that those words will never come? Most of the time I do feel that he loves me.  Sometimes more firmly than others, but at least 90% of the time I do feel the unspoken love.

Saying “I love you” doesn’t count.

That’s too easy.

When we are close, everything runs like clockwork and even when we are apart our biggest fights are caused by my longing to talk for a longer duration of time that specific day. I usually take his nonchalant matter as him simply caring less. I know this is wrong—- he cares more than he shows, but it’s only natural for me to forget.

I need to feel him caring twenty four seven, in order for this long distance relationship to succeed.

HE DOESN’T GET THAT.

——— Is it fair for me to train my mind in the way that he requires it to be trained? Should I be the only way changing my needs for love? Why can’t he compromise? Is his lack of compromise an issue more serious than I might think? Should I be worried?

For now- I won’t know.

I love you.

I’ll be waiting for that “I knew this was worth it” moment.

Please don’t disappoint me.